Food for Thought
by Wilusa
Summary: AU: Sofie goes in search of Ben after their surprise meeting in New Canaan.


DISCLAIMER: Carnivale and its canon characters are the property of HBO and the show's producers; no copyright infringement is intended.

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As the first rays of the sun streamed through her bedroom window, Sofie realized she hadn't slept all night.

_How can I just go about my chores today, as if nothing has happened?_

She'd been stunned to catch a glimpse of Ben Hawkins the day before yesterday, as she was about to be baptized. Seemingly waiting for baptism himself, he shook his head as if to dissuade her. She had, of course, gone ahead with her baptism; when she looked back at the spot where she thought she'd seen Ben, he wasn't there.

But then the ceremony was interrupted, when the dead body of Eleanor McGill floated up to the surface of the pond. That horror cast a pall over everyone.

Walking through the New Canaan camp, Sofie encountered Ben. He really was there! She imagined for a moment that he might have come for her. But he quickly disabused her of that notion. He turned her world upside down by insisting that Justin Crowe was evil. That he was a Russian using an assumed name, he'd killed Ben's father, and he sought to kill Ben as well.

Sofie fled, refusing to believe him. But that night, she heard Justin and Iris, arguing, lapse into a language that sounded like Russian. The next day, as she looked out a window onto the porch, she saw Justin cruelly tormenting two of his bodyguards. Innocently opening a drawer, she found a broken plaster-of-paris mask of Ben's face; Justin's reaction to her seeing it frightened her. At dinner, his sadistic streak surfaced again, this time targeting the unfortunate Rev. Balthus. And during the evening, he caught her on the porch and made an unwelcome sexual advance.

She didn't want to admit that Ben was right. She wanted to be furious with him, to believe his arrival on the scene had somehow poisoned her sparkling new life.

_But I can't wish yesterday away. It happened. There's no going back._

As she rolled out of bed, she reached a decision. She'd get out of the Crowe house, at least temporarily; and she'd do it quickly. Go down to the camp, find Ben.

_And this time I'll really listen to what he has to say._

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By the time she'd washed and dressed, "finding Ben" didn't seem so easy. After the baptismal ceremony, he'd apparently waited for her along the route she was most likely to take to the road up the hill; someone must have told him where she was living. But he wouldn't try to see her again, after the way she'd brushed him off. How could she hope to find him, in a tent community of 17,000?

_I simply have to find him! If Brother Justin killed his father for some reason...maybe Ben's father was Russian too, and it has to do with their homeland. Brother Justin wants to kill Ben because he expects him to seek revenge. So even if Ben doesn't care about revenge, he may have to kill or be killed._

_He told me Justin is "evil." I'd been assuming Rev. Balthus tried to kill him because the stroke had affected his mind. But maybe he had good reason._

_Ben must have come here to kill Justin. He's smart enough to know Justin will be on the lookout for him. But he may __**not**__ know..._

Shuddering, she forced herself to think about what she'd seen through the window the day before. _Everything_ she'd seen.

_Justin forced one of those guards to swing a hatchet and almost chop the other's hand off. Using only his mind, he compelled one to strike with the hatchet, the other to hold his hand still and wait for the blow._

She knew, with a sick certainty, that if he'd wanted to, he could have made one of them actually maim the other.

_Justin has some kind of __**supernatural powers!**_

_I have to warn Ben._

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She convinced herself that she would be able to find him. He'd be biding his time, seeking to blend in with the believers. Young and healthy as he was, they'd probably have him doing some strenuous outdoor work. So if she just kept walking through the camp, she'd eventually spot him.

_It may take a while, though._

Would she ever be returning to the Crowe house? Shivering despite the summer heat, she realized she didn't know.

Then she managed a twisted smile. _If I'm apt to be leaving for good, I may as well get one last benefit from being here! The food's a lot better than what's down in the camp, so I'll pack a lunch._

The hour was still so early that she knew no one would be in the kitchen. She raided the icebox and made herself a sandwich. Then, on impulse, she made a second one: a "peace offering" for Ben.

She slipped out of the house, turned toward the hill for the first time that morning - and froze.

Rising above the tent community was...a Ferris Wheel.

_My God. That's Carnivale - it has to be. But why on earth is the whole carnival here? It wasn't here yesterday!_

Looking closely, she saw that rousties were still at work on the Wheel.

_They certainly didn't follow me here. But it can't be coincidence. Samson must have brought the carnival in pursuit of Ben._

As she hurried down the hill, she continued to puzzle over this new development.

_If Ben's joined up with the carnival, he'll be a lot easier to find._

_But why are they here? Assuming Ben came to assassinate Justin, are the other carnies trying to help him, or stop him?_

_If they've come to stop him, or even if he's not sure why they've come, he __**won't**__ have joined up with them. And they may only suspect he's here. So I'll check out the carnival grounds first, but I won't risk telling anyone I've seen him._

Decision made, she strode toward that looming Ferris Wheel.

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A half hour later she was fighting back tears. The carnival grounds were a beehive of activity, at a time when the Crowes were probably still in bed; but carnies she'd known since she was a child had greeted her with wariness or outright hostility. Typically, they said something like, "How did _you_ get here? You sure didn't come with us. Are you with that preacher?"

_At least I know how they feel about Brother Justin. They all seem to despise him._

Her question as to whether Ben Hawkins was still with the carnival had drawn evasive responses. "Ain't seen him lately." "I dunno."

_I didn't have any real friends here_, she thought miserably, _except for Ben and Samson. And after the way I left..._

_Ruthie. She's kind to everyone - the only person she couldn't get along with was Lodz. Just find Ruthie's trailer, and she'll answer my questions._

But as she began looking for it, she realized dozens of carnies were hurrying...somewhere. She heard one roustie tell another, "He's in the Management trailer!"

_**Who's**__ in the Management trailer?_ she wondered. _How could anyone be in there, except Samson - and, well, Management?_

Not daring to ask, she tagged along behind them.

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A sizable crowd had formed outside the Management trailer; they seemed patient, and quietly happy. Sofie spotted Ruthie and Gabriel. But mother and son were among the nearest to the steps, and she saw no chance of reaching them. In light of the rebuffs she'd already received, she simply hung back and waited.

Another half hour passed. She began to think of leaving.

And then the trailer door opened.

The first person to emerge was Jonesy. As he descended the steps, she thought there was something different about his gait...

_Has to be my imagination_, she told herself.

She forgot that completely when the next man came out. Ben Hawkins looked like the same shy, shabbily dressed young roustie she'd known for a year. But it became clear _he_ was the one the carnies had been waiting for. Rita Sue Dreifuss said something Sofie couldn't hear, and kissed him on the cheek. Ruthie kissed him on the other cheek; then men and women alike surrounded him, seeking to shake his hand or merely touch him.

Sofie retreated into the shadow cast by the nearest truck. Weeping, uncomprehending, she felt more than ever like a pariah.

She was dimly aware of Samson's following the younger men out of the trailer and locking the door. The crowd gradually dispersed, and the three of them seemed about to go somewhere together.

She screwed up her courage and stepped forward. "B-Ben? I need to talk to you."

She noted that both Samson and Jonesy appeared pleased to see her. Only Ben looked uneasy.

Samson said, "Y'see, Hawkins? We told you she was one of us at heart!"

"Yeah, you did," Ben replied, without much enthusiasm. "I'm kinda surprised t' see you again, Sofe."

Samson gave her an encouraging smile. "Good to see you, Sofie. Hope you're plannin' to stay. If you want to talk to Hawkins alone, Jonesy an' me will get outta here. C'mon, Jonesy!" Over his shoulder, he added, "Meet you where we said, Hawkins."

Jonesy contributed a nod in her direction and a quick "Glad you're back," and they were off. By now she was too distracted even to notice his gait.

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Finding herself alone with Ben, she was flustered. Ben said exactly what she was thinking. "Jeez, this is awkward. Wanna go sit down somewhere?"

"Yeah. That would be good."

So they walked over to the outdoor dining area, where only a handful of carnies were lingering now. They settled themselves, face to face, at one of the tables. _We may have eaten together at this very table_, she realized. _Strange to think of its having been the same table, thousands of miles from here._

She looked at Ben, and began in the way she felt she had to begin. "I'm sorry. About the other day, and about the way I walked out on you, back on the road to Damascus."

He shrugged. "No problem 'bout that. We hadn't made no promises to each other."

But the coolness in his voice told her there was a problem. She'd hurt him, and he wouldn't let her get close enough to do it again.

"I knew you'd been hopin' I'd leave with you," he continued. "On account o' the truck."

"The...truck?" she echoed weakly.

"Leavin' alone, you coulda stole a vehicle - but you woulda had to stop to sleep in it, an' the carnies woulda caught up with you an' took it back. If they knew there was someone spellin' you at the wheel, they prob'ly woulda just let us go."

_Good grief. Does he think I let him make love to me because I wanted him to help me steal a truck?_

_If he does think that, is he at least partly right?_

She couldn't come up with an answer, so she swallowed hard and changed the subject. "Wh-what was going on, back there at the trailer?"

"Nothin' much. Them folks was just grateful 'cuz I'd done a favor for someone. No big deal."

"You've always been a kind person - you were certainly kind to me. I'm glad they appreciate you."

_He seems so guarded. He doesn't trust me..._

_Can't say as I blame him._

"Ben," she said quietly, "I know now that I should have believed you the other day. Later, I heard Brother Justin speaking Russian. And I saw and heard other things, bad things.

"What happened back in Damascus? I'm so sorry I didn't wait to find out! Did you learn there that your father was dead, that Brother Justin had killed him?"

He winced. "No. I found him alive, just like I'd hoped. We spent hours together, talked things out. Turned out he had good reasons for leavin' my ma an' me. At least he believed they were good reasons.

"But then..." He shuddered. "A henchman o' Crowe's kidnapped him. I tried t' save him, but I got delayed. An' I know for a fact Crowe killed him." Looking her directly in the eyes for the first time, he said, "It was my fault, Sofe. I led his enemies to him."

She sat for a full minute in shocked silence.

Then she whispered, "Oh God, Ben. I'm so sorry. I...I can't even begin to imagine what you must be feeling."

After another long pause, he said, "Thank you. Thank you for...for respectin' me enough to accept that I know what I'm talkin' about, an' not insistin' it _warn't_ my fault."

"They might have found him anyway. But if you know they were able to trail you to him, of course you're going to blame yourself." She laid a hand on one of his, and he didn't pull away. "But you're a strong person, Ben, and you'll survive this nightmare and be even stronger for it. That's what your father would want."

"Thank you," he mumbled again. His eyes were brimming with tears, but he looked at her and tried to smile.

She flashed back to a long-ago morning when they'd gotten together for breakfast. _He smiled at the idea of our messed-up lives just being a dream, and I told him he should do that more often._

_At this table...oh yes, I'm sure it was this table._

On a sudden impulse, she said, "Hey. I have a lot to tell you about Brother Justin. But we're sitting here at a table, and I brought enough lunch for both of us. Want to eat? I know it's early for lunch, but I didn't have any breakfast..."

After she'd said that, she thought it was silly. But Ben was nodding. "Come to think of it, all I've had was coffee. Food sounds good, whatever meal we call it!"

She gave a shaky laugh, and broke out the sandwiches.

They tore into them with gusto. Sofie hadn't realized how hungry she was, and for a few seconds she thought only of food.

Then she heard a strangled gasp from the other side of the table.

"Ben? Ben! What's wrong?"

He was struggling to his feet - his face contorted, his whole body trembling. He dropped the half-eaten sandwich on the table, but he was still looking at it.

"Ben? What is it?" _He must be choking!_ Terrified, she jumped up and tried to go to his aid. He pushed her away from him, and what she saw in his eyes frightened her still more.

He turned away from the table, retching. But he didn't throw up. He stood there, bent over, clutching his midsection and moaning. "Oh my God. Oh my _God!_"

A half-dozen carnies rushed to help him - and backed away when they saw his face. Sofie touched him again, and he turned on her with an anguished, "How could you do this to me?"

_He's not choking. It's __**poison!**_

_But how could it be?_

She felt a sudden, gut-wrenching fear that Justin had guessed she'd seen Ben in the camp. That he'd anticipated her going to look for him.

_But how could he have known that I'd take a lunch for myself, let alone share it with Ben?_

_And if the sandwiches were poisoned, why don't I feel it too?_

"Tell me what's wrong!" she begged. "There's nothing strange in the sandwiches, just the same pork we've been eating in the Crowe house for days -"

"Pork? You call this pork?" Ben was so wild-eyed that she was becoming afraid not _for_ him, but _of_ him. "You been eatin' it for days? An' you made _me_ eat this _'just the same pork'?_"

_Pork_, she thought frantically._ Is that the problem? Oh God, is he Jewish? Is he forbidden to eat food that's not - what's the word, kosher?_

_No, that's impossible. Not his being Jewish, but his expecting meat to be kosher. Carnivale's never had kosher food. No one's asked for it._

_And besides, I've seen Ben eat bacon._

She remembered having noticed, at first, that the Crowes' pork had a different taste than she was used to. But that was surely due to California livestock being given different feed. There was nothing wrong with the meat.

By now she was hopelessly confused, and tears were streaming down her face.

Ben grabbed her and shook her violently. She saw that he too was weeping, even as he howled, "He sent you here to do this to me!"

"No! No one 'sent' me!" _To do __**what?**__ God help me, what am I supposed to have done? If it's poison, why don't I feel it myself?_

Fear stirred in her again. _Whatever it is, __**could**__ Justin have made me do it? Could he have willed me to do everything I've done this morning, just as he willed that guard to swing the hatchet?_

Still shaking her, Ben raged, "I never shoulda trusted you, after the other day! His 'treasure,' he called you! His goddamn 'treasure'!"

A small crowd surrounded them now, but no one tried to intervene. For whatever reason, the carnies had become fiercely loyal to Ben. They might be appalled by what they were seeing, but they'd do nothing to protect Sofie from his fury.

"Please," she pleaded brokenly, "listen to me! I didn't come here to hurt you. And Justin didn't 'send' me -"

"Liar!" Ben flung her away from him. She crashed into the table with such force that it overturned, and she landed in a bruised, bloody heap.

She looked up - at a crazed monster who was barely recognizable as Ben Hawkins.

"Go home to your _master!_" He gave her a savage kick, as if to propel her on her way. "Take a message from me!" He was screaming now. _"Tell him I'll pay him back - with interest!_

"You tell him -" He choked back a sob. "Tell him I'm gonna whack his precious sister. Carve 'er up while she's still alive.

"An' then I'm gonna _force-feed him the pieces!_ _Make him eat every last bit!_

_**"Raw!"**_

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The End


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